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Alterwriter

Kat Von Royen
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Waking Up

2 min read
Dearest Alistair,

A new life dawns on a new day.  I sit here with the clear understanding that while I learned quite a bit from my past lives, beyond the lessons learned, they are of little importance to me.  I've learned to stop trying to remember and just live, truly live.

Fantasy stops preceding reality when reality becomes the stuff of dreams.

I feel as though I've finally awoken from a long and horrible nightmare, and here you are holding me, reminding me that I'm safe, that everything's going to be okay.

You've renewed my faith in life and my belief in the possibility of miraculous things happening.  You walking into my life seems to have been the first in a long line of miracles.  Words cannot even begin to express the gratitude in my heart for whatever beings have placed us in each other's lives.

Thank you, my Alistair, for giving me the courage to move forward and the freedom by which to do so.  You have shed light on parts of my soul that had been locked away and lost to me.  Thank you for giving me the sanctuary, the safety, in which to find myself.  And thank you for your patience in all of this.  You truly are an angel.

Your kallisti,

Kattiry Seyella Graves
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Tovarish,

i wonder what it's like for you
Out there somewhere, alone
Not unlike this lonesome nymph
You've cut yourself off again
You're determined to walk away
And yet, something holds you back
Is it a sense of responsibility?
Or something more you have yet
To fully acknowledge?

i sit here alone, listening to the hum
Of these strange electronics
Missing nights of utter silence
Except the sounds of breath
And the crickets outside
Missing the old world
The world we've left behind
And missing also a home
That will forever be etched
In a secret place in my heart

What i miss most is the voice
That spoke in old ways
Of old things not forgotten
And that gaze of understanding
Which didn't need words
To feel beyond this glassy surface

Writer, Aquarian, Soul of Grey
Like you, i have come to
A place of quiet solitude
i now know the joys of being
Alone in a quiet place
Abandoned to all except the self
The phone rings
And i no longer find it necessary
To answer

Forever within reach,
nemetona
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To the person who never reads these,

As days go by, i miss you less because of what you became, and more because of simply who you are.

i still hold to the addage, "You never know someone until you live with them."  This predicament... two weeks is too long.  i feel like i am going insane and can't tell anyone.  i've tried to talk to people about it, but i can't seem to let it all out at once, and it keeps building up and shaking me to the core because the aggravations aren't just becoming apparent in my behavior where my mask is starting to crack, no... i'm having bad headaches, my acne's gotten so much worse, and i can barely eat.  You, of all people, know what that does to me.  i am... more than ready for this to be over.

And i hate being one of those bitchy people... but:

There are three tests i give.  The HippyGoth Test (do my roommates like you?), Aris's Test (do my cats like you?), and Dryaphnid's Test (where i take someone out into the woods, to my sacred places, and see how they react to it).  Well, the first two tests were passed.   The third was failed, and failed miserably.  And thus i subconsciously started creating more tests.  Sister's Test (what Diea and Noren think of you) and the Social Test (how do you cope in a room full of people).  Needless to say, that from my perspective, both were failed.

Ontop of all of that, my boundaries were pushed in ways i truly wasn't comfortable with.  i actualy slipped into a subspace the other night, but it was one of those subspaces that almost scared the shit out of me.  It was one of those subspaces i never want to go back to.

And i hate being one of those bitchy people, so...

i have a lot of trouble saying anything, because i know that he is so infatuated that he'd probably bend over backward to make things work, yet, because of who i am, that means making things work with him, whether they work for me or not.  i don't have the patience to train someone, and frankly, i can't train somebody to be something for me that they're just... not.  He's... he's a switch, Tovarish, and you know it won't work.  i don't have to tell you why.

So, i have been missing you, for all the reasons most people don't think about.

i miss how, when you went out in the woods with me, you treated that place with care, because you knew how sacred it was to me.  You were NEVER whiny about anything.  And when you met people close to me, you treated them with the upmost respect, even if you weren't incredibly fond of their ways and means.  i miss how you would speak softly, sometimes silently in subtleties.  And you always kept yourself guarded, and so while i was near you, i wasn't bombarded with screaming emotions.  i miss talking with you, listening to you.  You always have the most intriguing stories, and if you've already told me one, i still like hearing it again.  i never got bored or impatient listening to you.  And you always respected what i had to say, whether you agreed with me or not.  You tried your best to never cut me off or talk over me.  What i miss most of all, absolutely most of all, is how you could look at me and read me like an open book.  You knew, empathically, all that was there beneath the surface of my eyes.  What's more, you generally knew the best way to react to it without ever causing a scene. And you seemed to actually genuinely care how i felt about what was going on.  i can't profess to know how you think anymore, which is why i say it like that.

The last i heard of you, you were contemplating packing a bag and just walking out of your life.  i don't blame you.  i would like to do the same tonight.

And so i close this letter to you, knowing you may never read it.  i know not if this tendril of my Grey Magick still reaches you.  Blessings in Shades of Grey, wherever and however you are tonight, Tovarish.

Sincerely,
nemetona
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Believe

3 min read
To whoever's out there reading this,

i have come to the realization tonight that all these doubts i've been having lately really don't matter at all.  What does matter is that i have been given the key to do what i was meant to do, to be who i was meant to be, to fulfill my dream.  i just have to be diligent, determined, and patient.  Above all else, i have to remember to never stop believing in myself.

i have the capability, nay, more than that, of being all that He needs.  i have the will and determination to follow through.  i just have to remember to be patient.  It's difficult to be patient when i see my dreams more clearly than i ever have, but in order to keep those dreams from being shattered, i have to be.  Four months is no time at all.  There's still a lot to learn.  i have to keep reminding myself of that.  i have to keep reminding myself that though it'll be a long and difficult road, i can't give up.

"Be still, and let Love take the wheel."  If i can just remember to live in this moment, to let my love keep me still, open to the empathic nature i was gifted with, then i can truly find happiness in the little things.

"It is waiting if you but believe..."--Behind the Waterfall
"You will when you believe."---"Miracles" from The Prince of Egypt

The song that has touched me the most here lately though (besides "Army of Love" by Kerli) has been "Melody Within" from Rigoletto.

"Music boxes have within
Melodies they carry with them
Once they open music fills the air

Every person you have known
Has a song of their own
Once they open up you'll hear what's there

It's not easy
You must listen
With your heart
For what lies hidden

There was a melody
Locked deep inside of me
But now it's free

It found a place embraced by harmony
Sweet harmony

Love more than anything
Teaches our hearts to sing
Only Love could break the spell
Now I know very well
The Love within myself

Love more than anything
Teaches our hearts to sing
Only Love could break the spell
Now I know very well
The Love within
Myself..."

Now that i know and believe in the Love within myself, i can be all that i want and need to be.  i hope these words of mine touch someone else, and they too can feel what i feel right now.  This is my Truth, my Grey Magick.  Love.  Never stop believing in it.

Always,
nem
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Reactions

3 min read
Dear Athair Kirene,

It seems fitting that you be who I write to here.  I've been talking to Ringwraith a bit tonight.  He's been happily telling me all he can about his fiancee and their wonderful relationship, but he just doesn't want to hear about me and Akri.  I guess I can understand.  It's not fair, but I can understand.

Nikko Kurai's turned glassy-eyed and apathetic.  This will continue for the next three or four days, more than likely, then she'll be up and pacing her cage again.  Zane's keeping her company... when he's not in the computer room, using the microphone to speak for us. Rynn's wandering about, keeping us moving, keeping us working, doing things that have to be done, like laundry and eating.

That was last night...

Silvia's actually been kind of productive today.  Big Brother came by earlier today and helped with some of our artwork issues.

I've been in a tizzy.  Need iron, which probably means a trip to Sloss.  I have my cauldron, so I'm fine, but I'd like to get something small to give to M to keep on her.  I don't know if these things we talked about are fey or not, but better safe than sorry.  Dream Leeches...  I'll do what I can to help protect her.  Brathair Luke is with her now, and staying with her until he knows she's safe.

Too many projects...  and too much lack of motivation.  Part of me, and I suppose it's Kurai (and maybe Zane), just wants to curl up and go back to sleep.  Part of me want to finish my letter to BW, and I supppose that's either Silvia or Storm.  Part of me wants to run out into the rain and disappear (Rynn and Rath). Lulu and I (being nem) just kind of want to cry, but no tears will come.

It's Tuesday evening at five o'clock.  Still have heard nothing, and not expecting to.  Keeping up with the Challenge that Storm set us, but it's not easy.  Just trying to keep myself going right now.  I did start laughing last night, remembering Sir Aedan telling Nero not to call Siicoris "Akri" because of what it means.  "Unless you want to be calling him your Lord and Master, I'd suggest not calling him that.  It kinda sounds bad, dude."  Something along those lines, and hearing it in my mind in Sir Aedan's voice made me smile.  So, there's that.  I did get some sleep, but it wasn't very fulfilling.  I've been so restless lately.

I miss you, Athair, and Mama Ellie.  I hope you two are well.  I do not know when I will see you two again.  Thank you for coming to see me in the forest last night.  It helped a lot just to get my feelings out there off my chest.  Sadly it's raining today, or I'd be out there again.

Is tu mo grawr, Athair.

Your daughter always,
nemetona-myst
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Featured

Waking Up by Alterwriter, journal

Our Individual Solitude by Alterwriter, journal

Tests and Lessons Learned by Alterwriter, journal

Believe by Alterwriter, journal

Reactions by Alterwriter, journal