To the person who never reads these,
As days go by, i miss you less because of what you became, and more because of simply who you are.
i still hold to the addage, "You never know someone until you live with them." This predicament... two weeks is too long. i feel like i am going insane and can't tell anyone. i've tried to talk to people about it, but i can't seem to let it all out at once, and it keeps building up and shaking me to the core because the aggravations aren't just becoming apparent in my behavior where my mask is starting to crack, no... i'm having bad headaches, my acne's gotten so much worse, and i can barely eat. You, of all people, know what that does to me. i am... more than ready for this to be over.
And i hate being one of those bitchy people... but:
There are three tests i give. The HippyGoth Test (do my roommates like you?), Aris's Test (do my cats like you?), and Dryaphnid's Test (where i take someone out into the woods, to my sacred places, and see how they react to it). Well, the first two tests were passed. The third was failed, and failed miserably. And thus i subconsciously started creating more tests. Sister's Test (what Diea and Noren think of you) and the Social Test (how do you cope in a room full of people). Needless to say, that from my perspective, both were failed.
Ontop of all of that, my boundaries were pushed in ways i truly wasn't comfortable with. i actualy slipped into a subspace the other night, but it was one of those subspaces that almost scared the shit out of me. It was one of those subspaces i never want to go back to.
And i hate being one of those bitchy people, so...
i have a lot of trouble saying anything, because i know that he is so infatuated that he'd probably bend over backward to make things work, yet, because of who i am, that means making things work with him, whether they work for me or not. i don't have the patience to train someone, and frankly, i can't train somebody to be something for me that they're just... not. He's... he's a switch, Tovarish, and you know it won't work. i don't have to tell you why.
So, i have been missing you, for all the reasons most people don't think about.
i miss how, when you went out in the woods with me, you treated that place with care, because you knew how sacred it was to me. You were NEVER whiny about anything. And when you met people close to me, you treated them with the upmost respect, even if you weren't incredibly fond of their ways and means. i miss how you would speak softly, sometimes silently in subtleties. And you always kept yourself guarded, and so while i was near you, i wasn't bombarded with screaming emotions. i miss talking with you, listening to you. You always have the most intriguing stories, and if you've already told me one, i still like hearing it again. i never got bored or impatient listening to you. And you always respected what i had to say, whether you agreed with me or not. You tried your best to never cut me off or talk over me. What i miss most of all, absolutely most of all, is how you could look at me and read me like an open book. You knew, empathically, all that was there beneath the surface of my eyes. What's more, you generally knew the best way to react to it without ever causing a scene. And you seemed to actually genuinely care how i felt about what was going on. i can't profess to know how you think anymore, which is why i say it like that.
The last i heard of you, you were contemplating packing a bag and just walking out of your life. i don't blame you. i would like to do the same tonight.
And so i close this letter to you, knowing you may never read it. i know not if this tendril of my Grey Magick still reaches you. Blessings in Shades of Grey, wherever and however you are tonight, Tovarish.
Sincerely,
nemetona